Blanket Forts and Video Games

ironchefbilliam @ 2010-02-04T07:44:00

2010-02-04T12:44:51Z

I have an overwhelming need to shed everything that is familiar and start over... but yet the thought of doing so scares me to no end.

ironchefbilliam @ 2010-02-04T06:17:00

2010-02-04T11:17:58Z

6 years of lj in 6 days... weird.

dream/bachelorette

2010-01-28T01:19:17Z

Last night I had a dream about marrying this girl. She was pretty alright, I spent some time with her. I was in a competition to marry her, like the bachelorette or something. And it was between me and some other guy (who was, frankly, a loser). So one day I went to Hayley's house (is it creepy that she's always in my dreams? I think it is.)--which wasn't her house, by the way... it was some huge five story house built on top of the water next to a cliff--and ran into her family as they were coming back on their boat. Her mom invited me in to talk, and while I was sitting with her I mentioned that I was getting married in a week, which surprised her. Then the simplest question: Who are you marrying?

And I didn't have an answer. I didn't know my future wife's name. I hadn't even thought about it. I'd heard her say her name before, and I know I'd been around people using her name; it just eluded me entirely. There wasn't even a syllable of it in my head. I had completely disregarded it.

That was only a scrap of the dream, but it's enough to convey the point (which I will not be analyzing tonight).

in my dreams...

2010-01-17T19:45:44Z

I met a girl in my dreams last night, and she was perfect.

We met up several times, across a few dreams I had.
We went on adventures with my friends and some with only each other.
I had to rescue her from something... I think there were people after her and I had to fight them.

Interestingly, she was of some kind of Mediterranean, middle-eastern, or Indian (dot, not feather) descent, with beautiful, light-caramel skin. I'm thinking she was Turkish, because my family had been vacationing in Greece for a portion of my dream.

We went shopping at Meijer with Ryan, which was cool in its unmentioned complexity.

This dream was LONG. I went through a breakup with another girl (which was long and drawn out), went on a vacation, met this girl (through my ex-girlfriend's parents??), and had about two to three complete adventures with her.

Well, girl of my dreams, it was nice meeting you. You've managed to capture my heart in real life.

weird, interesting, helpful dream

2009-11-29T18:51:00Z

So, I think I'm sick, which makes my dreams a little more vivid than usual.

So the dream centered around: myself; my house--which had an extra-long driveway, as it normally does in my dreams; Ryan; an old, 20's style race car that my dad had stored in our other garage here; Hayley; a house which has been in many, many dreams in my past and has always been mysterious.

I don't remember all the details of the dream but there were two main parts that flowed into one-another rather nicely. The first major story-line was that Hayley and I had started hanging out and then we ended up dating, or something to that effect. She lived in the house that's been in my past dreams. It is gigantic--perhaps five stories, though I've never really been able to see much about the floor plan previously. It sits atop a hill that is difficult to find and has a curve in it.

One day Hayley and I had been working on something together (school project?) and had been hanging out, and we ended up back at her house. Now, all the bottom floors on this house were pretty familiar, but I had never really gotten the gist of the top floors. They were always dark and creepy and I could only see the area immediately around me. Now, it was dark up there when Hayley and I first went up, but we spent some time talking together in her room (which was located on the top floor), and eventually fell asleep in her bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and there was this strange glow all over everything. It wasn't overwhelming but it also wasn't the scary, shrouded light that I had experienced in my past dreams. The top floor of the house had one more bedroom and two bathrooms.

I'd like to describe the cool and calm of sleeping there, but I'm going to keep the creep factor of this post as manageable as possible and explain that this had a lot to do with the new-found warmth of the house.

We ended up sleeping for a long time--through school, and until the warmth of the afternoon daylight flooded through the windows and softly roused us from sleep. Hayley explained that she'd let her mom know why I was there and that we should get to work on our project again so it could be turned in the next day. So that's what we did, and that night we again slept in her room. I awoke in the early morning hours, helped her get ready for school, and then left for my own house (because apparently I don't have to go to school? This part confused me).

At my house I had to do a couple chores, but Ryan came over after those were done. Ryan and I went looking for things to do around the house, and ended up finding an old race car. I really wanted to drive it, and also to fix it for my dad. Ryan was very apprehensive about it and wasn't sure that we could do it, but I told him it was fine.

Fast-forward to when we're finished with the car. I decided I wanted to start it up to see if it would run. After a few attempts, the engine turned over but soon failed. We tried again. Less successful that time. All-in-all, I spent a lot of time trying to get the engine to start before finally deciding that maybe I should charge the battery for a while instead of trying the same thing over and over.

Other random parts of my dream that don't fit in with the rest:
Bagging shit at my mom's store.
Looking for the right hair product in the cottage that no longer exists on our property.

All said and done, there are two major life messages in this dream.

In the first part of the dream, the house represents a relationship to me. The way it's situated in a weird place that often takes me out of my way, the way it's recurring, the way it was dark and scary in the past but this time around I was able to see things exactly right. I think it's hope that there IS someone out there for me, and that there is more to this "house" than what I've seen in the past.

The second part shows me that I'm strong and able to do anything, but before I can get all the way to where I want to go, I need to sit back and assess the situation and figure out what truly needs to happen--and that part, the re-alignment of my path, may take a reasonable amount of time.

So yeah. That's what I have this afternoon. I miss the feeling I woke up with today. The content, happy, glow.

things i can no longer do

2009-11-16T02:28:48Z

-watch anything that makes me feel overwhelmingly awkward.

fear

2009-11-11T05:18:20Z

is something that i was reminded of tonight. thank you.

looking back through my journal, i found an entry and i really have no idea what it is about--but i like it.

lies arise from those who confide
in those who would rather die
than sigh over blood and tears
careers can be made in nothing but fear
so kiss me good night but don't suppose
that feelings feel anything but meaningless prose

there's no punctuation in it to tell me where the emphasis is. i should really make a better habit of using punctuation and spacing so i remember what is important.

my dissection: it's clear that i am upset because one party or another can't or won't admit something that seemed necessary. careers is an interpersonal relationship, there's just nothing else it could be. saying goodnight means something is ending, and i think in this case it's a way for me to say i don't (or don't want to) care anymore. i think that the bit about feelings and prose is discussing an unwitting interpretation of factitious lead-ons.

the purpose of this post was not to talk /about/ this old entry, but rather how i liked the entry because it talked about fear in the context of fallacy and false-interpretations: this is what fear does. It creates a false world where ego is unable to be checked at the door and one is unable to do what is truly right until one overcomes said fear.

"There is no such thing as a problem, only a series of situations that can be overcome."

as an aside: i had a nice little 3000-word paper i wrote earlier this summer on fear, loving yourself, the ego, id, and superego, the process of my demise as a self-hating individual and the beginning of personal-embrace--but after rereading it i am not going to post it because it is hypercritical of others and i used some choice language to describe some people, and i am not willing to edit it, nor am i willing to share my thoughts because i do not believe that they are truly how i feel and are not beneficial.

well. i guess that's all for now.

and today we've got...

2009-11-10T06:05:56Z

...little to show.

head on the helm with tears in my eyes,
this struggle is hard and i want to be fine.
another day another page,
written in vain with used up angst.
four years too late, far years far gone:
a drop in the pond destroys my shores.
sailors washed up into lovers' arms,
life lost by tens and scores, the wake brings no peace.
like a captain i stay fast with my ship;
they say an icy grave is the most peaceful way to sleep,
but these chills they rage, a fire from the deep

and oh how i hate to be back at square one.

miserable today.

2009-11-09T17:24:04Z

Dirt in the ground is what I need
I got another one to tell you
and another one to make you believe
pity in the grass tried to be
the one you needed when I told you
that you wanted something bigger than me

I've got friends in all the right places
I know what they want
and I know they don't want me to stay
I said that I've got friends in all the right places
I know what they want
and I know they don't want me to stay

'cause you are not alive
when I need you
I need it quickly
in case you never know

I can't play where I'm not supposed to anyway

dirt in the ground is what I see
I need another reason why
I need another reason, tell me to breathe
the dirtier the sound, the best I breathe
I tried to do it all for you
it didn't do anything for me

'cause I've got friends in all the right places
I know what they want
and I know they don't want me to stay
I've got friends in all the right places
I know what they want
and I know they don't want me to stay

and you and I will find
that when I need you
I need it quickly
in fact, you'll never know

feeling like the scum of the earth.

recent discoveries

2009-08-21T15:38:25Z

my slate has been wiped clean
what happens next remains to be seen
resentment and anger seeth
like a sea enraged by the wind of beasts
treachery through lies and deceit
there's nothing left that feels concrete
the rug of fallacy has been pulled from my feet
and the truth is i knew i was being used
lost and confused i allowed the abuse
but hearts harden with time ticking by
and each jab to the ribs reminds you why
the behind-the-back venom you spew narrows veins
clogging life and making it difficult to reclaim
the path down which straight arrows aim
now mid-flight i've corrected my trajectory
the anti-venom has revealed you were never best for me
my life is too precious to waste again
reclaiming and taming emotions clears my smug chagrin
finally free of the fire you set ablaze within

this post's accompanying song also has some good lyrics.
tearing out pages of your life doesn't get you anywhere, but steering the story in a different direction sure does...

this summer...

2009-07-22T19:43:51Z

...is going by very, very quickly.

i can't believe it's almost august.

i saw the first cherry truck today. maybe i will get called for work?

trying something new

2009-07-22T01:05:57Z

after listening to some of the things that Milk had been writing i decided that i would give some non-rhyming poems a try. everything is about an experience that i had in new york during my stay.

there are some songs that make me feel different. songs that just make my body tingle and make me think that there is so much hope for the future. and sometimes I am in mindsets that allow me to be very, very happy. when these things coincide there is a feeling that I can't describe, but this is about that:

body shaking in frenzy
eyes shut in ecstasy
a feeling inside takes hold
pointing in an unfamiliar direction
but exploding with familiar excitement
soul on fire waiting for this to stop
knowing the feeling will end destroys all it is
the nuances cannot be appreciated:
the way the smile can't be wiped clean
eyes wide and bright with life once lost with innocence
long ago, melted away into cynicism
but if for one small moment you escape
mind can be freed from body by a force found in:
sweaters friends hot chocolate late summer
nights fraught with beads of sweat
gin and tonics long gazes dancing
and loud music
sometimes in the arms of a lover
but more often in those of another
and forever in the Visible breath of fall
the laughter under stars and lights
and the glow of faces at a campfire

and sometimes growing up and realizing that not everything has a fairytale ending is good. understand that you can experience something, wholly take it in, and be satisfied that what you experienced was amazing.

life lessons invested to lessen
the thud of being slammed on the ground
by the separation from that which quickens pulses
a dream finally realized
eyes pried wide with hopes bearing fruit
never mind the confusion weighing down my feet
dragging along, scraping, nagging, to what end?
aimless and immature:
the blossom cannot be enjoyed but only toyed with
teased into thinking it's already what it is not but may yet be
open eyes and open minds are all that bear nurturing water

it was just unbefuckinglievably hot out in nyc, and every time you walked outside you were just hit in the face by a 250 pound mexican boxer named jose "THE HOT HUMID MOTHERFUCKER" mendez.

concrete swelters heat
air full of impending beads of passion
faces slammed by walls of looming events
the streets vent natural intent to act
coffee, cigarettes, bagels, spread
the brisk walk breezes as cool night clashes
grabbing and tipping and slamming glasses
providing optimal timing and intimate grinding
fingers dance when feet tire of writing the night
working up moves in the dark summer heat
the jungle's clasp leaves unforgettable marks

so anyway that's all I have to offer. there are about five more but they will be kept in my written journal for now! :D

anyway... I will hopefully start at the cherry plant soon, then i intend to move to new york in august or september.

hmmm

2009-07-08T05:19:26Z

after more not sleeping, i feel much better. *now* i will actually sleep.

gute Nacht!

:/

2009-07-08T04:15:18Z

at ryan's, hanging out in the basement.
ich habe Deutsch den ganzen Tag gelernt.
i slept for two hours last night. somehow i decided that sleeping more today was not necessary.
doctor => drive => shopping for german books => pk => mile run for speed => studying german => work => ryan's => studying german => chicken wings.

finally i am settling down and getting ready for a good sleep.
and i am busy being bothered.
i'm feeling pretty heavy today.
maybe some sleep will perk me up.
a new day always seems to do that.

my eyelids are heavy, i'm going to sleep. i'll talk about this another day.

it's impossible for me...

2009-07-05T03:59:44Z

...to express myself fully anymore.

i don't have words to describe how empty i am today.
every time i try to write, i somehow lack inspiration.
there is a lot going on in my life right now.
i leave for new york next weekend, and stay there for a week so i can hopefully do a couple interviews.
i have made some tough choices lately, as well. things i didn't want to have to do, but knew that i had to do. and i will grow because of them, even if they hurt right now.
i am particularly sullen tonight.
summer last year was full of things that i have a love/hate relationship with.

battered hands can't cling anymore
this string has left these fingers worn
all it takes is a simple thread
cast aside to lay this down
your scissors were sharp and wielded precise
feeling the price to be paid for a single slice

well.
i can do anything i put my mind to.
i just need to figure out how to do this by myself, because that's what i want.

the lamentation associated with separation
destination empty trying not to mention
the serious penchant I had for the invention
of a you and i with the intention
of creating an item to overcome love's suspension
and yet as time goes on i feel a weighty tension
breaking ties we once strengthened with piercing eyes
if it didn't seem so impossible to cry i'd try
for all of this meant so much, more than i
ever expressed or was willing to admit
and now to mother time we must submit
leaving past the sublime brilliantly unlit.
goodnight, princess

sharing is caring.
these are definitely not my best works, but i'm so distracted and cloudy, i can't get anything onto paper. i think that getting over this is significantly different than it has been in the past. i can't just hate and write some mean shit, sleep with a bunch of girls, and call it good.
something serious will be learned about life through this experience, and i'm glad for that.

well, good night, whoever reads this.

ironchefbilliam @ 2009-06-19T20:52:00

2009-06-20T00:56:07Z

A lot has happened in the past year.

I'm mulling over memories of JD and long drives.

I think I'm going to go for a drive right now, actually.

Adios.

vicky cristina barcelona

2009-05-25T12:09:42Z

life has suddenly become clear and unclear all at once, but completely for the better. I see a new direction and a new hope. I finished watching vicky, cristina, barcelona, and I think that it has affected me in the same way that Lost in Translation affected me six years ago.

I feel very inspired by my constant battle with depression and discontent, and I am going to channel it into something a little more constructive than I have been.

Ultimately I hate the direction my life is going in... normal, boring, so cookie-cutter.

There is something fundamentally wrong with the way I have lived the last few months.

Recently I've wanted nothing but everything I don't have (yesss typical me). I want to be somewhere else, away from everything I know, doing something passionate. Something that deserves my emotion. I've been investing these things in people for the last however many years when perhaps I am more suited to being physically alone, and expressing passion and desire through some form of art.

At any rate, I am putting aside all these feelings of upsettedness and I intend to move forward creatively and at my own discretion.

I feel like this trip to Paris and Venice will move me greatly, and in the direction I wish to go.

what's really on my mind

2009-05-18T07:25:59Z

Graduated on Saturday. BS in Computer Science.

I am heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken.
I feel like I could cry until I choke on my tears and snot.

Why do I always ruin everything?

The Heart I Wish I'd Won

2009-05-16T02:52:47Z

my bed widens as i lay awake
thinking i never knew how much was at stake
my tears form a lake a little too late
we can't set sail while in this state
we've come undone...

the familiar roads are covered by snow
cars pass with apparent disdain
i'm having trouble finding my lane
causing others anger and pain
i'm the only one...

here's to hoping we find each other again
staring across a room with a lingering grin
aching hearts healed with a hug and spin
lives content, bed narrow and thin
a new day's sun...

ironchefbilliam @ 2009-05-14T02:35:00

2009-05-14T07:42:37Z

my back bound flat against the desk
i sob and wonder is this a test
my chest burns like the pot in my hands
eyes clenched tight scraping like sand
gravity pulls my heart back in a prolonged panic attack
the words you say to me leave me without any of my own
treading water in a sea of sharks location unknown
rescue is not imminent i'm just so deep in it
i wish it was different that I had done it
but not under the guise of some hurtful lies
i'm shaking and i think i'm going to break
i haven't felt like this since two thousand and six
seven or eight, and you tell me it's too late
to rescue my dead heart from the part where
you tell me to go live my life alone
to go home and enjoy the sun
how dare you point the gun again
when i told you i can't prevent my sin
i'm not stable enough to disable this stuff

i can't stop crying.
i'm going away.

Hemingway

2009-05-09T03:21:18Z

So, I'm doing some reading I was supposed to do earlier this semester, and currently I'm enjoying the hell out of Hemingway. Snows of Kilimanjaro could not possibly describe more adequately my attitude sometimes.

The Snows of Kilimanjaro (Excerpt from page 43-44 of "The Complete Short Stories of Ernest Hemingway"):

"Where did we stay in Paris?" he asked the woman who was sitting by him in a canvas chair, now, in Africa.
"At the Crillon. You know that."
"Why do I know that?"
"That's where we always stayed."
"No. Not always."
"There and at the Pavillion Henri-Quatre in St. Germaine. You said you loved it there."
"Love is a dunghill," said Harry. "And I'm the cock that gets on it to crow."
"If you have to go away," she said, "is it absolutely necessary to kill off everything you leave behind? I mean do you have to take away everything? Do you have to kill your horse, and your wife and burn your saddle and your armour?"
"Yes," he said. "Your damned money was my armour. My Swift and my Armour."
"Don't."
"All right. I'll stop that. I don't want to hurt you."
"It's a little bit late now."
"All right then, I'll go on hurting you. it's more amusing. The only thing I ever really liked to do with you I can't do now."
"No, that's not true. You liked to do many things and everything you wanted to do I did."
"Oh, for Christ sake stop bragging, will you?"
He looked at her and saw her crying.
"Listen," he said. "Do you think that it is fun to do this? I don't know why I'm doing it. It's trying to kill to keep yourself alive, I imagine. I was all right when we started talking. I didn't mean to start this, and now I'm crazy as a coot and being as cruel to you as I can be. Don't pay any attention, darling, to what I say. I love you, really. You know I love you. I've never loved any one else the way I love you."
[...]
"You're sweet to me."
"You bitch," he said. "You rich bitch. That's poetry. I'm full of poetry now. Rot and poetry. Rotten poetry."
"Stop it. Harry, why do you have to turn into a devil now?"
"I don't like to leave anything," the man said. "I don't like to leave things behind."

Now that I've vilified myself, I am going to share something I wrote back in... oh.. let's say November? There wasn't a date but it was written in the margin of a notebook next to what looked like notes for my third Chemistry II exam, which I took immediately before Thanksgiving break.

i just can't tell you everything you do
big blues just can't see through
to what i want too soon
it's hard to fight what seems so right
the one time i had the mind to say
"you take my breath away."
You don't know this doesn't happen every day
it doesn't ever happen this way
no one hears the hardest words i can say
i'm so glad you said yes
and decided to test the best i had to offer
not stopping to say i'd never shown me a bit softer
i know it's hard to believe i'll give what you need
but this new person, i swear it's actually me
finally free to allow you to see

yeah, not my best, but it was heartfelt, for sure.
one of those moments in which i was finding it hard to suppress feelings and "be cool." (though she'll tell you that was "always" :p )
37 pages filled in my book since february 17.
this journal is definitely shaping up, but i was reading some of the things i was writing in my last journal and the lyrical complexity was way more intense. i think it's because i was writing constantly toward the end of it.

a thought on life

2009-05-07T05:13:01Z

the uneven tempo of life leaving
chest heavy from shuddered breathing
mouth moving with muttered seething
angry at things which can't be seen
intangible beings quietly lurk
steadfast to complete their work
the craft of God's will leaves no cracks to fill
the tapestry of life woven tight
around the necks of those whose prose
dictates that their lives be morose
and loosely around the palms of he
who chooses to breathe easy
in confidence that this is simply a call to heed
this tapestry may well be the sheet
which tucks him safely in at the end
when others hang by wills that would not bend
safe under the covers of destiny
legs tangled with lover's there's more yet to see
there is much more so now we must let it be
a man can only be a man
when he is strong enough to lend his hand
to carve his line to the grade that's planned
creating not something made of sand
but a stone bridge over rivers to span
the gap between now and what could be;
it's never what you think it should be

it is summer again, and i am happy about it.

ironchefbilliam @ 2009-04-29T01:30:00

2009-04-29T06:37:31Z

some days you awake only to realize
Everything true you told yourself was a disguise
For all the lies that tie you down
The prize fought for dies with the bell's sound
This round is done and it's unclear just who's won
Now it's time this isn't any fun
To the temples of this we held guns
Pressure bearing down from above like two tons of insecure love
Pushing nudging but we're not budging one
begrudgingly admit what a hit it's been
and we're both done holding it it in
after it's over we're finally ready to begin

Me, wine, 7am - the truth about my life

2009-04-21T12:39:17Z

When I came here to write a post, this was left from the last time I thought I wanted to post:

while Dallas Green cried lines of distance between
we closed our gap without looking back
sharing days that couldn't be bought
and talking away nights with private thoughts
like a storybook kiss in the rain we entertained
thoughts of something strong and unstrained

a winter breeze whispers through cherry trees
telling of a fantasy about to unfold
a recounting that's never been told
but spring swiftly brings new meaning to all
blossoms surround you and softly fall
the bright light that shown behind you now shines down
drawing focus to us and lines drawn all around
fences built by us to stop any semblance of pain
but hinder us instead, with only silence to gain.

But really I'm here because I'm in a rut.

I feel like I'm in the same place I was in last semester. It's 7:30 in the morning, I've slept like 4.5 hours tonight, and have been up since 3am for no reason. And I will need to stay up. I've been doing a bunch of dumb shit that is stereotypically me. Just basically living as though I am by myself, there is no one around me, there is only me to make happy or make sad and I am the only thing I care about. I don't know what my problem is right now.

I was reading posts from last year, and I feel like I did then, except I just don't have an apartment to escape to and be by myself. I don't have that window to stare out of at the sunrise (and oh goodness was it beautiful sometimes). I am alone, I am a drunk, I live in a dorm.

I am unstable right now. I don't know what it will take or how long it will take to become stable again. My life is mundane, I don't make money, I'm poor, I'm spending money I shouldn't spend, there is a girl 150 miles away that I desperately long to be with one moment and hate with a furious passion the next moment and all I want to do right now is bring her some flowers and hold her hand while we go for a quiet walk in the woods.

I miss cigarettes with a fucking ridiculous passion, but I continue to avoid them because I feel like they negatively impacted my health. It's been one month since I smoked. The last time I went a month without any cigarettes was two years ago. I wish I could have a cigarette with this morning sunrise... That morning/sunrise cigarette is so peaceful and beautiful. Addiction sucks.

I recall the feeling of laying in my bed, in my apartment, with the sunlight coming through the blinds onto my face... headache because I drank too much the night before. Heavy because I had a penchant for macaroni when I got home. I miss my apartment. There is some kind of comfort that I felt there that I don't, or can't, feel right now, living with someone else. I do wish to forever be on my own. If I am alone the only person I can hurt is me; I don't want to hurt other people, and I seem to do that whenever I get involved or attached with/to another human being.

There are two thoughts in my head. The time she came to my house with her bangs and she jumped into my arms and I held her with her legs wrapped around me, and she was so beautiful, and I had so many feelings that I had to keep to myself. And the other, our first kiss. Random, nervous, against my car. It is impossible for me to tell her to her face how much certain things have meant to me, or how certain events have impacted me. And it's been that way for years. And because I feel vulnerable, I want nothing to do with it and I never want to verbalize any of it, and I hate that I have feelings. I hate being vulnerable.

I'm just so fucking selfish. There's got to be a reason for that. There has to be a reason that I don't want to care about someone else and their feelings and I only want to hurt everyone and do whatever I want on any whim I have. At least, I hope there is a reason. I bad reason, one that I can change.

Anyway, I need to sleep for an hour before my class.

PS - you: I am going to miss you. I hate saying that, and you know I do. I am going to miss you and I am going to hurt inside because I can't see you whenever I want to. But I will be happy because I know you will be doing something you love, and that is what matters.

rave.or.die

A short story on regret, because my short fiction class doesn't cover heartache

2009-03-23T19:58:01Z

The way regret fills you. The immediacy of the realization and the onslaught... seeping from your core, knowing that what you engaged in changed the course of your life; not changed for the better, but irreversibly for the worse. It moves from your stomach, which has dropped down into your gut, to your lungs, gripping them like a giant, vengeful hand, squeezing out your breath until you wheeze as you exhale. Then suddenly there is a nag at your heart. Your sinking heart. You notice it is slipping down with your stomach, possibly being squeezed out of your chest between your lungs, popping free of pericardial cavity. This sinking heart triggers a message that resonates through your entire body: shaking. Uncontrollable shaking. Now you are sinking, choking, shaking--preparing... Preparing to cry, preparing for mental anguish, preparing for it all to rush to you. All the things that lead up to this event that meant something to you flash before you, then events that directly affected the outcome of this moment are wrapped around your brain, crammed through a factory of thought working overtime analyzing everything and pointing out all the mistakes that could have been fixed if only you would have thought harder or longer, or... just... not... done it. If you had just not done it! why? why did you do it to begin with--how stupid could you be?! It would have been so simple to avoid if only you had--

And then the tears come. Choked back at first, but then the hand releases your chest and your heart snaps back, and that sob, that gasping SOB! comes, the crackle of spit blocking your throat starts it. Then tears everywhere and violent, turbulent breathing. The kind of breathing that crushes a person's heart to hear because it's the sob of regret, the choke of someone who would take everything back in an instant to just have that moment to do over again... The sobs tear through you. They rip you apart inside. Wounds that only time can heal.

This will eventually settle down, when you no longer have the energy to rack your body with earthquake tremors. Your heart sinks again, your lungs and chest clenched, stomach sick now. Sick to the point of vomiting, perhaps, if you have a weak constitution. And you are left quietly to your thoughts, silence interrupted occasionally by violent hiccups of passion. With eyes crusted shut by salty tears, all you see is that moment replayed over and over, endlessly.

This is regret, working, coursing, destroying.