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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "billl" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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07:44 am
[Link] | I have an overwhelming need to shed everything that is familiar and start over... but yet the thought of doing so scares me to no end.
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06:17 am
[Link] | 6 years of lj in 6 days... weird.
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08:19 pm
[Link] |
dream/bachelorette
Last night I had a dream about marrying this girl. She was pretty alright, I spent some time with her. I was in a competition to marry her, like the bachelorette or something. And it was between me and some other guy (who was, frankly, a loser). So one day I went to Hayley's house (is it creepy that she's always in my dreams? I think it is.)--which wasn't her house, by the way... it was some huge five story house built on top of the water next to a cliff--and ran into her family as they were coming back on their boat. Her mom invited me in to talk, and while I was sitting with her I mentioned that I was getting married in a week, which surprised her. Then the simplest question: Who are you marrying?
And I didn't have an answer. I didn't know my future wife's name. I hadn't even thought about it. I'd heard her say her name before, and I know I'd been around people using her name; it just eluded me entirely. There wasn't even a syllable of it in my head. I had completely disregarded it.
That was only a scrap of the dream, but it's enough to convey the point (which I will not be analyzing tonight).
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02:45 pm
[Link] |
in my dreams...
I met a girl in my dreams last night, and she was perfect.
We met up several times, across a few dreams I had.
We went on adventures with my friends and some with only each other.
I had to rescue her from something... I think there were people after her and I had to fight them.
Interestingly, she was of some kind of Mediterranean, middle-eastern, or Indian (dot, not feather) descent, with beautiful, light-caramel skin. I'm thinking she was Turkish, because my family had been vacationing in Greece for a portion of my dream.
We went shopping at Meijer with Ryan, which was cool in its unmentioned complexity.
This dream was LONG. I went through a breakup with another girl (which was long and drawn out), went on a vacation, met this girl (through my ex-girlfriend's parents??), and had about two to three complete adventures with her.
Well, girl of my dreams, it was nice meeting you. You've managed to capture my heart in real life.
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01:50 pm
[Link] |
weird, interesting, helpful dream
So, I think I'm sick, which makes my dreams a little more vivid than usual.
So the dream centered around: myself; my house--which had an extra-long driveway, as it normally does in my dreams; Ryan; an old, 20's style race car that my dad had stored in our other garage here; Hayley; a house which has been in many, many dreams in my past and has always been mysterious.
I don't remember all the details of the dream but there were two main parts that flowed into one-another rather nicely. The first major story-line was that Hayley and I had started hanging out and then we ended up dating, or something to that effect. She lived in the house that's been in my past dreams. It is gigantic--perhaps five stories, though I've never really been able to see much about the floor plan previously. It sits atop a hill that is difficult to find and has a curve in it.
One day Hayley and I had been working on something together (school project?) and had been hanging out, and we ended up back at her house. Now, all the bottom floors on this house were pretty familiar, but I had never really gotten the gist of the top floors. They were always dark and creepy and I could only see the area immediately around me. Now, it was dark up there when Hayley and I first went up, but we spent some time talking together in her room (which was located on the top floor), and eventually fell asleep in her bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and there was this strange glow all over everything. It wasn't overwhelming but it also wasn't the scary, shrouded light that I had experienced in my past dreams. The top floor of the house had one more bedroom and two bathrooms.
I'd like to describe the cool and calm of sleeping there, but I'm going to keep the creep factor of this post as manageable as possible and explain that this had a lot to do with the new-found warmth of the house.
We ended up sleeping for a long time--through school, and until the warmth of the afternoon daylight flooded through the windows and softly roused us from sleep. Hayley explained that she'd let her mom know why I was there and that we should get to work on our project again so it could be turned in the next day. So that's what we did, and that night we again slept in her room. I awoke in the early morning hours, helped her get ready for school, and then left for my own house (because apparently I don't have to go to school? This part confused me).
At my house I had to do a couple chores, but Ryan came over after those were done. Ryan and I went looking for things to do around the house, and ended up finding an old race car. I really wanted to drive it, and also to fix it for my dad. Ryan was very apprehensive about it and wasn't sure that we could do it, but I told him it was fine.
Fast-forward to when we're finished with the car. I decided I wanted to start it up to see if it would run. After a few attempts, the engine turned over but soon failed. We tried again. Less successful that time. All-in-all, I spent a lot of time trying to get the engine to start before finally deciding that maybe I should charge the battery for a while instead of trying the same thing over and over.
Other random parts of my dream that don't fit in with the rest:
Bagging shit at my mom's store.
Looking for the right hair product in the cottage that no longer exists on our property.
All said and done, there are two major life messages in this dream.
In the first part of the dream, the house represents a relationship to me. The way it's situated in a weird place that often takes me out of my way, the way it's recurring, the way it was dark and scary in the past but this time around I was able to see things exactly right. I think it's hope that there IS someone out there for me, and that there is more to this "house" than what I've seen in the past.
The second part shows me that I'm strong and able to do anything, but before I can get all the way to where I want to go, I need to sit back and assess the situation and figure out what truly needs to happen--and that part, the re-alignment of my path, may take a reasonable amount of time.
So yeah. That's what I have this afternoon. I miss the feeling I woke up with today. The content, happy, glow.
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09:28 pm
[Link] |
things i can no longer do
-watch anything that makes me feel overwhelmingly awkward.
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11:53 pm
[Link] |
fear
is something that i was reminded of tonight. thank you.
looking back through my journal, i found an entry and i really have no idea what it is about--but i like it.
lies arise from those who confide
in those who would rather die
than sigh over blood and tears
careers can be made in nothing but fear
so kiss me good night but don't suppose
that feelings feel anything but meaningless prose
there's no punctuation in it to tell me where the emphasis is. i should really make a better habit of using punctuation and spacing so i remember what is important.
my dissection: it's clear that i am upset because one party or another can't or won't admit something that seemed necessary. careers is an interpersonal relationship, there's just nothing else it could be. saying goodnight means something is ending, and i think in this case it's a way for me to say i don't (or don't want to) care anymore. i think that the bit about feelings and prose is discussing an unwitting interpretation of factitious lead-ons.
the purpose of this post was not to talk /about/ this old entry, but rather how i liked the entry because it talked about fear in the context of fallacy and false-interpretations: this is what fear does. It creates a false world where ego is unable to be checked at the door and one is unable to do what is truly right until one overcomes said fear.
"There is no such thing as a problem, only a series of situations that can be overcome."
as an aside: i had a nice little 3000-word paper i wrote earlier this summer on fear, loving yourself, the ego, id, and superego, the process of my demise as a self-hating individual and the beginning of personal-embrace--but after rereading it i am not going to post it because it is hypercritical of others and i used some choice language to describe some people, and i am not willing to edit it, nor am i willing to share my thoughts because i do not believe that they are truly how i feel and are not beneficial.
well. i guess that's all for now.
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12:57 am
[Link] |
and today we've got...
...little to show.
head on the helm with tears in my eyes,
this struggle is hard and i want to be fine.
another day another page,
written in vain with used up angst.
four years too late, far years far gone:
a drop in the pond destroys my shores.
sailors washed up into lovers' arms,
life lost by tens and scores, the wake brings no peace.
like a captain i stay fast with my ship;
they say an icy grave is the most peaceful way to sleep,
but these chills they rage, a fire from the deep
and oh how i hate to be back at square one.
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12:23 pm
[Link] |
miserable today.
Dirt in the ground is what I need
I got another one to tell you
and another one to make you believe
pity in the grass tried to be
the one you needed when I told you
that you wanted something bigger than me
I've got friends in all the right places
I know what they want
and I know they don't want me to stay
I said that I've got friends in all the right places
I know what they want
and I know they don't want me to stay
'cause you are not alive
when I need you
I need it quickly
in case you never know
I can't play where I'm not supposed to anyway
dirt in the ground is what I see
I need another reason why
I need another reason, tell me to breathe
the dirtier the sound, the best I breathe
I tried to do it all for you
it didn't do anything for me
'cause I've got friends in all the right places
I know what they want
and I know they don't want me to stay
I've got friends in all the right places
I know what they want
and I know they don't want me to stay
and you and I will find
that when I need you
I need it quickly
in fact, you'll never know
feeling like the scum of the earth.
Current Music: manchester orchestra
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11:38 am
[Link] |
recent discoveries
my slate has been wiped clean
what happens next remains to be seen
resentment and anger seeth
like a sea enraged by the wind of beasts
treachery through lies and deceit
there's nothing left that feels concrete
the rug of fallacy has been pulled from my feet
and the truth is i knew i was being used
lost and confused i allowed the abuse
but hearts harden with time ticking by
and each jab to the ribs reminds you why
the behind-the-back venom you spew narrows veins
clogging life and making it difficult to reclaim
the path down which straight arrows aim
now mid-flight i've corrected my trajectory
the anti-venom has revealed you were never best for me
my life is too precious to waste again
reclaiming and taming emotions clears my smug chagrin
finally free of the fire you set ablaze within
this post's accompanying song also has some good lyrics.
tearing out pages of your life doesn't get you anywhere, but steering the story in a different direction sure does...
Current Mood: free
Current Music: Not The Sun-Brand New-The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me
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03:42 pm
[Link] |
this summer...
...is going by very, very quickly.
i can't believe it's almost august.
i saw the first cherry truck today. maybe i will get called for work?
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08:34 pm
[Link] |
trying something new
after listening to some of the things that Milk had been writing i decided that i would give some non-rhyming poems a try. everything is about an experience that i had in new york during my stay.
there are some songs that make me feel different. songs that just make my body tingle and make me think that there is so much hope for the future. and sometimes I am in mindsets that allow me to be very, very happy. when these things coincide there is a feeling that I can't describe, but this is about that:
body shaking in frenzy
eyes shut in ecstasy
a feeling inside takes hold
pointing in an unfamiliar direction
but exploding with familiar excitement
soul on fire waiting for this to stop
knowing the feeling will end destroys all it is
the nuances cannot be appreciated:
the way the smile can't be wiped clean
eyes wide and bright with life once lost with innocence
long ago, melted away into cynicism
but if for one small moment you escape
mind can be freed from body by a force found in:
sweaters friends hot chocolate late summer
nights fraught with beads of sweat
gin and tonics long gazes dancing
and loud music
sometimes in the arms of a lover
but more often in those of another
and forever in the Visible breath of fall
the laughter under stars and lights
and the glow of faces at a campfire
and sometimes growing up and realizing that not everything has a fairytale ending is good. understand that you can experience something, wholly take it in, and be satisfied that what you experienced was amazing.
life lessons invested to lessen
the thud of being slammed on the ground
by the separation from that which quickens pulses
a dream finally realized
eyes pried wide with hopes bearing fruit
never mind the confusion weighing down my feet
dragging along, scraping, nagging, to what end?
aimless and immature:
the blossom cannot be enjoyed but only toyed with
teased into thinking it's already what it is not but may yet be
open eyes and open minds are all that bear nurturing water
it was just unbefuckinglievably hot out in nyc, and every time you walked outside you were just hit in the face by a 250 pound mexican boxer named jose "THE HOT HUMID MOTHERFUCKER" mendez.
concrete swelters heat
air full of impending beads of passion
faces slammed by walls of looming events
the streets vent natural intent to act
coffee, cigarettes, bagels, spread
the brisk walk breezes as cool night clashes
grabbing and tipping and slamming glasses
providing optimal timing and intimate grinding
fingers dance when feet tire of writing the night
working up moves in the dark summer heat
the jungle's clasp leaves unforgettable marks
so anyway that's all I have to offer. there are about five more but they will be kept in my written journal for now! :D
anyway... I will hopefully start at the cherry plant soon, then i intend to move to new york in august or september.
Current Music: Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire
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01:18 am
[Link] |
hmmm
after more not sleeping, i feel much better. *now* i will actually sleep.
gute Nacht!
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12:03 am
[Link] |
:/
at ryan's, hanging out in the basement.
ich habe Deutsch den ganzen Tag gelernt.
i slept for two hours last night. somehow i decided that sleeping more today was not necessary.
doctor => drive => shopping for german books => pk => mile run for speed => studying german => work => ryan's => studying german => chicken wings.
finally i am settling down and getting ready for a good sleep.
and i am busy being bothered.
i'm feeling pretty heavy today.
maybe some sleep will perk me up.
a new day always seems to do that.
my eyelids are heavy, i'm going to sleep. i'll talk about this another day.
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11:41 pm
[Link] |
it's impossible for me...
...to express myself fully anymore.
i don't have words to describe how empty i am today.
every time i try to write, i somehow lack inspiration.
there is a lot going on in my life right now.
i leave for new york next weekend, and stay there for a week so i can hopefully do a couple interviews.
i have made some tough choices lately, as well. things i didn't want to have to do, but knew that i had to do. and i will grow because of them, even if they hurt right now.
i am particularly sullen tonight.
summer last year was full of things that i have a love/hate relationship with.
battered hands can't cling anymore
this string has left these fingers worn
all it takes is a simple thread
cast aside to lay this down
your scissors were sharp and wielded precise
feeling the price to be paid for a single slice
well.
i can do anything i put my mind to.
i just need to figure out how to do this by myself, because that's what i want.
the lamentation associated with separation
destination empty trying not to mention
the serious penchant I had for the invention
of a you and i with the intention
of creating an item to overcome love's suspension
and yet as time goes on i feel a weighty tension
breaking ties we once strengthened with piercing eyes
if it didn't seem so impossible to cry i'd try
for all of this meant so much, more than i
ever expressed or was willing to admit
and now to mother time we must submit
leaving past the sublime brilliantly unlit.
goodnight, princess
sharing is caring.
these are definitely not my best works, but i'm so distracted and cloudy, i can't get anything onto paper. i think that getting over this is significantly different than it has been in the past. i can't just hate and write some mean shit, sleep with a bunch of girls, and call it good.
something serious will be learned about life through this experience, and i'm glad for that.
well, good night, whoever reads this.
Current Location: traverse city
Current Music: Gui Boratto - No Turning Back (Original Mix)
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08:52 pm
[Link] | A lot has happened in the past year.
I'm mulling over memories of JD and long drives.
I think I'm going to go for a drive right now, actually.
Adios.
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08:00 am
[Link] |
vicky cristina barcelona
life has suddenly become clear and unclear all at once, but completely for the better. I see a new direction and a new hope. I finished watching vicky, cristina, barcelona, and I think that it has affected me in the same way that Lost in Translation affected me six years ago.
I feel very inspired by my constant battle with depression and discontent, and I am going to channel it into something a little more constructive than I have been.
Ultimately I hate the direction my life is going in... normal, boring, so cookie-cutter.
There is something fundamentally wrong with the way I have lived the last few months.
Recently I've wanted nothing but everything I don't have (yesss typical me). I want to be somewhere else, away from everything I know, doing something passionate. Something that deserves my emotion. I've been investing these things in people for the last however many years when perhaps I am more suited to being physically alone, and expressing passion and desire through some form of art.
At any rate, I am putting aside all these feelings of upsettedness and I intend to move forward creatively and at my own discretion.
I feel like this trip to Paris and Venice will move me greatly, and in the direction I wish to go.
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03:23 am
[Link] |
what's really on my mind
Graduated on Saturday. BS in Computer Science.
I am heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken.
I feel like I could cry until I choke on my tears and snot.
Why do I always ruin everything?
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09:52 pm
[Link] |
The Heart I Wish I'd Won
my bed widens as i lay awake
thinking i never knew how much was at stake
my tears form a lake a little too late
we can't set sail while in this state
we've come undone...
the familiar roads are covered by snow
cars pass with apparent disdain
i'm having trouble finding my lane
causing others anger and pain
i'm the only one...
here's to hoping we find each other again
staring across a room with a lingering grin
aching hearts healed with a hug and spin
lives content, bed narrow and thin
a new day's sun...
Current Mood: Somber
Current Music: Band of Horses
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02:35 am
[Link] | my back bound flat against the desk
i sob and wonder is this a test
my chest burns like the pot in my hands
eyes clenched tight scraping like sand
gravity pulls my heart back in a prolonged panic attack
the words you say to me leave me without any of my own
treading water in a sea of sharks location unknown
rescue is not imminent i'm just so deep in it
i wish it was different that I had done it
but not under the guise of some hurtful lies
i'm shaking and i think i'm going to break
i haven't felt like this since two thousand and six
seven or eight, and you tell me it's too late
to rescue my dead heart from the part where
you tell me to go live my life alone
to go home and enjoy the sun
how dare you point the gun again
when i told you i can't prevent my sin
i'm not stable enough to disable this stuff
i can't stop crying.
i'm going away.
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