Blanket Forts and Video Games
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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "billl" journal:[<< Previous 10 entries]
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11:55 pm
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Thanksgiving
It's been forever since I wrote on here... But that's alright.
I just wanted to make a mental note of this weekend and how great it felt, even if it was just two people pretending to be in different situations than they are. I'm not sure if that's actually what it was, but it's easier to think of it like that than to let real feelings manifest themselves. Basically the weekend was like falling in love all over again with the greatest girl I've ever known. It was everything I could have asked for a holiday to be.
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09:15 pm
[Link] | I just wanted to say... Great Monday! Piccolo Sogno, Websters wine. They will be forever engrained in my mind.
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07:44 am
[Link] | I have an overwhelming need to shed everything that is familiar and start over... but yet the thought of doing so scares me to no end.
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06:17 am
[Link] | 6 years of lj in 6 days... weird.
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08:19 pm
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dream/bachelorette
Last night I had a dream about marrying this girl. She was pretty alright, I spent some time with her. I was in a competition to marry her, like the bachelorette or something. And it was between me and some other guy (who was, frankly, a loser). So one day I went to Hayley's house (is it creepy that she's always in my dreams? I think it is.)--which wasn't her house, by the way... it was some huge five story house built on top of the water next to a cliff--and ran into her family as they were coming back on their boat. Her mom invited me in to talk, and while I was sitting with her I mentioned that I was getting married in a week, which surprised her. Then the simplest question: Who are you marrying?
And I didn't have an answer. I didn't know my future wife's name. I hadn't even thought about it. I'd heard her say her name before, and I know I'd been around people using her name; it just eluded me entirely. There wasn't even a syllable of it in my head. I had completely disregarded it.
That was only a scrap of the dream, but it's enough to convey the point (which I will not be analyzing tonight).
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02:45 pm
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in my dreams...
I met a girl in my dreams last night, and she was perfect.
We met up several times, across a few dreams I had.
We went on adventures with my friends and some with only each other.
I had to rescue her from something... I think there were people after her and I had to fight them.
Interestingly, she was of some kind of Mediterranean, middle-eastern, or Indian (dot, not feather) descent, with beautiful, light-caramel skin. I'm thinking she was Turkish, because my family had been vacationing in Greece for a portion of my dream.
We went shopping at Meijer with Ryan, which was cool in its unmentioned complexity.
This dream was LONG. I went through a breakup with another girl (which was long and drawn out), went on a vacation, met this girl (through my ex-girlfriend's parents??), and had about two to three complete adventures with her.
Well, girl of my dreams, it was nice meeting you. You've managed to capture my heart in real life.
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01:50 pm
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weird, interesting, helpful dream
So, I think I'm sick, which makes my dreams a little more vivid than usual.
So the dream centered around: myself; my house--which had an extra-long driveway, as it normally does in my dreams; Ryan; an old, 20's style race car that my dad had stored in our other garage here; Hayley; a house which has been in many, many dreams in my past and has always been mysterious.
I don't remember all the details of the dream but there were two main parts that flowed into one-another rather nicely. The first major story-line was that Hayley and I had started hanging out and then we ended up dating, or something to that effect. She lived in the house that's been in my past dreams. It is gigantic--perhaps five stories, though I've never really been able to see much about the floor plan previously. It sits atop a hill that is difficult to find and has a curve in it.
One day Hayley and I had been working on something together (school project?) and had been hanging out, and we ended up back at her house. Now, all the bottom floors on this house were pretty familiar, but I had never really gotten the gist of the top floors. They were always dark and creepy and I could only see the area immediately around me. Now, it was dark up there when Hayley and I first went up, but we spent some time talking together in her room (which was located on the top floor), and eventually fell asleep in her bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and there was this strange glow all over everything. It wasn't overwhelming but it also wasn't the scary, shrouded light that I had experienced in my past dreams. The top floor of the house had one more bedroom and two bathrooms.
I'd like to describe the cool and calm of sleeping there, but I'm going to keep the creep factor of this post as manageable as possible and explain that this had a lot to do with the new-found warmth of the house.
We ended up sleeping for a long time--through school, and until the warmth of the afternoon daylight flooded through the windows and softly roused us from sleep. Hayley explained that she'd let her mom know why I was there and that we should get to work on our project again so it could be turned in the next day. So that's what we did, and that night we again slept in her room. I awoke in the early morning hours, helped her get ready for school, and then left for my own house (because apparently I don't have to go to school? This part confused me).
At my house I had to do a couple chores, but Ryan came over after those were done. Ryan and I went looking for things to do around the house, and ended up finding an old race car. I really wanted to drive it, and also to fix it for my dad. Ryan was very apprehensive about it and wasn't sure that we could do it, but I told him it was fine.
Fast-forward to when we're finished with the car. I decided I wanted to start it up to see if it would run. After a few attempts, the engine turned over but soon failed. We tried again. Less successful that time. All-in-all, I spent a lot of time trying to get the engine to start before finally deciding that maybe I should charge the battery for a while instead of trying the same thing over and over.
Other random parts of my dream that don't fit in with the rest:
Bagging shit at my mom's store.
Looking for the right hair product in the cottage that no longer exists on our property.
All said and done, there are two major life messages in this dream.
In the first part of the dream, the house represents a relationship to me. The way it's situated in a weird place that often takes me out of my way, the way it's recurring, the way it was dark and scary in the past but this time around I was able to see things exactly right. I think it's hope that there IS someone out there for me, and that there is more to this "house" than what I've seen in the past.
The second part shows me that I'm strong and able to do anything, but before I can get all the way to where I want to go, I need to sit back and assess the situation and figure out what truly needs to happen--and that part, the re-alignment of my path, may take a reasonable amount of time.
So yeah. That's what I have this afternoon. I miss the feeling I woke up with today. The content, happy, glow.
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09:28 pm
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things i can no longer do
-watch anything that makes me feel overwhelmingly awkward.
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11:53 pm
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fear
is something that i was reminded of tonight. thank you.
looking back through my journal, i found an entry and i really have no idea what it is about--but i like it.
lies arise from those who confide
in those who would rather die
than sigh over blood and tears
careers can be made in nothing but fear
so kiss me good night but don't suppose
that feelings feel anything but meaningless prose
there's no punctuation in it to tell me where the emphasis is. i should really make a better habit of using punctuation and spacing so i remember what is important.
my dissection: it's clear that i am upset because one party or another can't or won't admit something that seemed necessary. careers is an interpersonal relationship, there's just nothing else it could be. saying goodnight means something is ending, and i think in this case it's a way for me to say i don't (or don't want to) care anymore. i think that the bit about feelings and prose is discussing an unwitting interpretation of factitious lead-ons.
the purpose of this post was not to talk /about/ this old entry, but rather how i liked the entry because it talked about fear in the context of fallacy and false-interpretations: this is what fear does. It creates a false world where ego is unable to be checked at the door and one is unable to do what is truly right until one overcomes said fear.
"There is no such thing as a problem, only a series of situations that can be overcome."
as an aside: i had a nice little 3000-word paper i wrote earlier this summer on fear, loving yourself, the ego, id, and superego, the process of my demise as a self-hating individual and the beginning of personal-embrace--but after rereading it i am not going to post it because it is hypercritical of others and i used some choice language to describe some people, and i am not willing to edit it, nor am i willing to share my thoughts because i do not believe that they are truly how i feel and are not beneficial.
well. i guess that's all for now.
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12:57 am
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and today we've got...
...little to show.
head on the helm with tears in my eyes,
this struggle is hard and i want to be fine.
another day another page,
written in vain with used up angst.
four years too late, far years far gone:
a drop in the pond destroys my shores.
sailors washed up into lovers' arms,
life lost by tens and scores, the wake brings no peace.
like a captain i stay fast with my ship;
they say an icy grave is the most peaceful way to sleep,
but these chills they rage, a fire from the deep
and oh how i hate to be back at square one.
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